Goodbye for Now, Dad

My father, Stephen Francis (Steve) Chadwick, lived a beautiful life and was hopefully taken completely by surprise by death while he was engaged in one of his  favorite activities , tending his roses, just days before his 92nd birthday on March 13th, 2020. One moment he was enjoying an early Spring wander around his personal heaven, a large rolling wooded lot along the Rappahanac river in his chosen home of Fredericksburg VA.  The next in Heaven.  Which I always imagine looks a lot  like our own  heaven on Earth.  And then I imagine that while he looked around thinking, “something is a little different here”, along came Jesus to welcome him home.  Daddy did not really identify as a Christian and in his later years was a little bit quarrelly on the subject of faith.  My friend Ann said, “won’t he be surprised when he gets to Heaven and meets Jesus!”.  I loved that thought!  He was born a Catholic boy in East Orange, New Jersey and his family saw to his early rites of passage in the way of that church.  He once told me he thought himself more of a Buddhist.  He was also a Pisces.  I think all these thin combined made him a robust, well-rounded character balancing healthy physicality, intelligence and a spiritual restfulness.  He had a great sense of humor, enjoyed working with his hands as well as his mind, loved to be outdoors and delving in nature.  I imagine Jesus would like him very much.

Let me tell you a little more about the man and his life.  He was born to Steve and Rose Chadwick.  Working class Polish-American Catholics in East Orange, NJ.  His first born brother, also named Steve, died as a baby.  Next came Dad, then Audrey, Marilyn and just when they thought their baby-having season was over, along came little Judy.  Dad loved sports and grew up playing football and basketball, He, along with his Dad was a fishing fanatic.  He said he and his friends used to swim in the Hudson River.  In High School he was taught to dance by his favorite Aunt Hank and became a really fine dancer.  He joined the army after high school and while serving in the South, met Momma on a blind double date.  They found they danced so well together that they switched partners, eventually married and after short spell living in NJ, he and Momma came to Columbia, SC for Dad’s undergraduate and Master’s studies in Chemical Engineering at the University of SC.  From there he was hired as an engineer by DuPont, where he pursued a life long career in textile fibers starting at the Camden plant. Steve and “Blu” had a tumultuous, mismatched life together raising me and my brother, somewhat.  When that marriage ended, he met and married the love of his life, Ruth Abbacassis while he was working for DuPont in Hamm, West Germany.  They lived in Seaford, DE for several years after he was transferred back to the US.  They traveled a good bit and when they discovered the Fredericksburg community in VA they felt it would be a perfect fit for their retirement.  That marriage  and the life they carved out in their 37 years together was the best and most important thing in the World to him.  

Whatever my Dad put his hands to, he did well.  He loved to build things, fix things, grow things.  He cooked joyfully.  He took care of his body, proudly remaining more fit that most people half his age even in his great 90’s. I wish I had shared more time with him in that life, but in the way of blended families, it seemed too hard for both of us at the time.

On that last afternoon, while he was visiting his roses, an unfortunate unlicensed driver lost control of the SUV she was unlawfully driving at too high a speed, crashing through his iron and brick gate, striking him in his own garden. They told me he left the World instantly.  I hope so. When my brother called to tell me Dad had been killed he said, “It’s really bad Sissy….”.  I was driving and somehow I got to my Son’s house and hysterically told him.  I still can’t really think about it.  I can’t imagine how Ruth lived through it.  I somehow got home and called Ruth.  She told me how Dad loved me so much.  Then she got angry at me when I tried to talk to her about what would come next.  A service?  How would she cope until we could make plans to get there?  She would cope fine and she didn’t need anything from us.  That was the last time we have spoken.  A couple of days later  I served at a funeral dinner for a neighbor and imagined it was Dad’s.  The next week the World shut down with the spread of COVID 19.  There was no service, no scattering of ashes, no gathering over food and memories.  And no obituary.  Her grandson called a couple of times.  And a lawyer about the wrongful death hearing. My husband John did find the death notice posted in the mortuary which handled his cremation.

In the several years since my Dad so abruptly left this World for the next, this World has changed so much.  And I have changed right along with it.  But, the sweet memories I have of my father have become so much more important to me than those differences we had and those occasions when we were a disappointment to each other.  And there have been so many times I have wished I could call him, or better yet, sit with him in one of his favorite places. I wish that this time when we talked I could listen in a more open and less defensive way.  So.  For now,  I have memories.  The things he taught me. And the hope that one day we will meet again and I will receive the gift of some of the time and wisdom of my father that I missed in this life.  Bye Dad, until we can be together in that better World. Amen. Amen. Amen.

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

Giving up driving and the independence it affords is among the top life issues the older set faces in this season of challenges. .And one of the most sensitive

Straight out of the story "Driving Miss Daisy" by  Alfred Uhry, my mother gave up her car keys when her 2001 Lincoln Continental was totaled and towed away.  She is still mad about it.  The car looked real good but the insurance company deemed it unsafe due to the high water it encountered in our big flood a couple of years back.   Now, Mom had been in a wheel chair for 6 months at the time of that flood and unable to drive that car herself, but like Miss Daisy she required it for her getting around.  Before being wheelchair-bound she was known to drive up past the fire lane at the grocery store, parking her pretty Lincoln nearly in the sliding doors.  Wall-walking into the store, (look it up), she would shop for a couple of hours using the cart as a walker. The clerks or the store manager or a good Samaritan would help load her and her purchases in the car when she got done at the checkout.  NO, I did not encourage or allow this!  She just did it-sneaky little old lady!  And it scared me to bits!  Giving up her car was one of the hardest things she had to face and she didn't make it easy on me when she faced it!

My stepfather gave over his keys voluntarily one day after he got lost on the way to his bank.  Bumping parked cars and other unfortunate obstacles had not deterred him.  He had even undergone a driving proficiency study which he proudly pronounced rated him a safe driver.  (He scared the daylights out of me!)  But being "lost" on familiar roads alarmed him enough to give it up.

My friend Alice was still driving at 89 years of age.  Slow.  Careful. I truly do not remember what made her stop driving but I seem to recall that she was just feeling insecure.  I know that she had a heightened sense of speed, occasionally complaining that I was driving too fast-doing the speed limit on the highway-when we traveled together.

George, a WWII and Korean War fighter pilot, was the case that ....well, in his last year of driving at age 91, he managed to get big dents in every side of his car.  Had no idea how they got there, he claimed. George was known to drive right up the middle of the road at high speed.  If you saw him coming the best practice was to pull over.   George made left turns across traffic, with or without a signal, ignoring (?) oncoming cars.  His driving days ended when both of his cars were destroyed in that same flood that took Momma's Lincoln.  He had to get a rental car.  My cousin took him to the agency and rode back with him the 20 minute trip home.  She called me later, on the verge of hysteria.  Said she could have been killed three times on that drive, at one point throwing her leg over to the driver side to slam on brakes when he wasn't stopping to avoid hitting the car ahead of him.  She and her husband disabled the car and told George it needed to be returned to the agency for mechanical repairs.  They asked me to have "the talk" with him.  I did.  It was heartbreaking.  How you gonna ground a war hero?  But these days he menaces the neighborhood behind the wheel of his ancient golf cart.  Beware bushes, mailboxes and inattentive children!

How Do I Know It Is Time?

How do you know FOR SURE it is time to drop the keys?  There is no single answer to that.   A slow, careful 90 year-old on quiet, neighborhood streets may be okay to drive (while a retired fighter pilot may not).  A bump may not be the end of driving but if it becomes a bunch of bumps it is probably time for the "the talk".  AARP has a good guide for evaluating driver safety in this article:  https://www.aarp.org/auto/driver-safety/info-2016/when-to-stop-driving-in-older-age.html  Tools like this one will steer you in the right direction and as in the cases I described above, our elders generally are well aware when their driving should be limited.

"The Talk"

Having "the talk" is one of the most difficult encounters between caregivers and their beloved oldies. It is particularly hard for parents to receive "the talk" from their adult children or other responsible family members.  I recommend getting another party to assist with this discussion.  A medical provider or a family friend can deliver the advice without the heavy emotional baggage that the family member carries. It is bad news to hear that your free wheeling days are behind you but  I recall that older friend I mentioned in an earlier post.  Instead of bemoaning her lost independence when she could no longer safely drive herself, she chose to rejoice in the freedom from car maintenance and expense and found alternatives to get where she needed to go.  Share this sort of comfort when you have to be the one giving "the talk".

Where Do We Go From Here?

Giving up driving presents new problems for the elders and the ones that love and tend to them.  They still need to get groceries and sundries, they still want to go places and do things, and there are the many medical appointments to make.

Family and friends generally become the first line replacements for driving independently but I can testify that this can be a burden and a source of tension and conflict for all concerned.  Fortunately,  there are other options and more are becoming available all the time.

• Taxis remain a familiar and easily accessed means of getting from here to there. (But I put a magnet with the number for our local cab company on George's refrigerator and old George has not called them yet!)
• Uber and Lyft and services like these are available in more and more communities.  Ordering and paying online may require support from computer/smart phone savvy helpers.
• GoGoGrandparent is a service I recently learned about which is geared to the elderly folks who need simple tech and provides scheduled and on-request rides paid for through an online account.  Other services are available as well.  Check their site for details at https://gogograndparent.com/ 
• Local Senior Services agencies will have listings for volunteer drivers and public services which provide transportation assistance for your particular area

What senior driving alternatives have you heard of?  Success stories?  Do you have any advice for seniors or caregivers facing the challenge of losing their driving independence?  Please share with us so we can pass them along to others! 

Never forget we are all trying to figure out how to live upward in challenging times!  Be gentle with each other, whatever you do!  Sorry I was absent in December but I will make it up to you this year. Big old love to you, Lisa

VS Assisted Living?

The Case for Assisted Living (From an In-Home Caregiver)

It is a week now since Thanksgiving and I am still exhausted.  Traveling with an aged invalid is never easy but for the treat of ten precious days in my own home it was well worth the effort.  Back at Mom’s now for three days, I am assessing:  we have erected this life for her, supported by me.  What would I say to someone facing the decisions I had to make four years ago when I decided to come to my Mom’s and try to help her with living at home?

These thoughts are partly precipitated by the case of a couple of my family people who found themselves, through a series of crazy events, hitting “the wall” and ending up in assisted living long before they ever thought they would.

We noticed he had started to get confused about appointments and what day of the week it was.  In June he fell and broke his hip. Just a slip starting his lawn mower. He had to wait a couple of days for hip surgery because it was the weekend.  They kept him on strong pain medicines while he waited. After the surgery he awoke confused and combative and after a couple of days of trying to deal with that he was placed in a medical coma.  This medical procedure has repercussions but apparently there was no choice.  His mild dementia was exacerbated by the sedation and by the end of two weeks he was in and out of a reality none of us could recognize.

His wife of 67 years refused to leave his side for the first few days of his hospitalization.  She did not eat or rest.  When he was admitted to post-surgical rehab she went home but her physical status declined rapidly and she was admitted to the hospital herself within the week. They never went home again.  He died just before Thanksgiving and she remains in the assisted living facility they finally landed in after months of topsy-turvy placements and re-admissions to the hospital.  She told me this week that she can never go home. The kids won’t let her and their house is in very bad shape after all this time being closed up and uncared for.

I find I am glad for all concerned. 

The place where she is staying now is very close to her home property.  She has a nice suite and although she does not have “all her things” she has a clutter of personal possessions around her and heaps of knitting projects at her side.  Her meals are provided in a dining hall, not to her preference or timetable but nice and in an environment where there is an opportunity to be social which I think is a BIG advantage. When she needs help she can push a button and someone will eventually come.  The facility takes residents shopping and on other outings.  It is close enough to home that her friends and family can go by and see her anytime.

Assisted Living is expensive-beyond the means of many.  It is restrictive-residents find that they have to adapt to living patterns unlike those they followed at home.  There is less personal privacy-the care staff comes in and out to clean and attend to meds and bathing and all manner of things. And contrary to what many families believe, assisted living does not replace family support for these old ones.  As Mom’s care aide with hospice says, “you can’t just drop them off and leave them there”.  Their personal care products and medical concerns, wardrobe changes, all kinds of needs will not be addressed in the way family support does.

On the other hand, assisted living offers a zone of separation which I can see now as a benefit to both elders and offspring.  The supportive family can step away for a time.  Regroup.  Rest. Recover their goodwill toward the occasionally cantankerous and immovable oldies.  They can take care of difficult business decisions without a whole lot of painful conversation.  After my experiences as a home care giver I can testify to the advantages of these.

Mom and I have not always gotten along well.  We have had huge challenges beyond those of daily living.  I was always willing and able to handle cooking, cleaning, bathing, household matters. I was never made for being in charge of another adult and that has led to some pretty dicey moments between us.  Dealing with financial and property issues has been crushing.  There were many issues I would have loved to hand off to someone else.  But in this past year, since receiving her dire diagnosis and having been on hospice care, Mom has let down some of her long held defenses. I have been able to get to know a softer version of my mother and I would not trade this time together for anything.

I will continue looking at the advantages and disadvantages of home care and facility living in the future as I continue this exploration of the season of ageing beyond our ability to remain independent.  I remain optimistic that there is a better solution than either one of these alone can offer. 

So what would I say to someone who is facing this choice for their elderly parent?  I would say that no matter what you decide to do you will not be prepared for everything that arises.  You must forgive yourself for your errors.  You must forgive them for not recognizing your graces.  No matter what you do, do it with love.  As a friend tells me regularly,  you will never regret that!  Amen.

Hello.

You know that old trees just grow stronger.  Old rivers grow wilder every day.  But old people just grow lonely, waiting for someone to say, "Hello in There".  (Hello in There-John Prine)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfwGkplB_sY

(Listen ya'll!)

Recently I read a Facebook post about cool volunteer opportunities oversees that got me thinking:

What if it were COOL to volunteer to spend time with old people?  (I know!  Right?!? :) )

A darling lady named Eileen comes to visit Mom for two hours every Wednesday afternoon.  She is a volunteer with hospice, a retired hospice nurse who has traveled the World (Just like my mother once did)  I loved hearing Eileen say one time, "when I played mahjong in Hong Kong...".  Sometimes she brings library books, usually gorgeous illustrated ones that they both oooh and ahhh over.  Mom has a hard time talking since her aphasia symptoms make conversation slow and difficult but she is still the queen at cards.  Always they play rummy.  Always.  They chat some before and after the games.  Mom doesn't always feel up to company but she is always up for cards. Eileen is cool!

Then there is our Mary.  Mary is a paid caregiver who stays with Mom once a month so I can go home for a few days. She also comes to visit sometimes after she finishes her shift with a hospice patient she cares for Monday through Friday from 10 to 2.    Mom adores Mary.  Mary gives Mom plenty of time to call up her words and prompts her like a sister or best friend would so I often find them chattering away without obvious struggles on Mom's part. And laughing.  Mary does not play cards but she gets Mom.  Mom gets Mary.  Mary is super-sweet and cool!  

Mom appreciates these ladies.  For one thing they are not me!  Most everyone needs a variety of  social encounters with other people on a regular basis.   Unfortunately, even social butterflies like my mother find their circle has dwindled and these opportunities are more rare as they get older.  Mom finds it nearly impossible to leave the house anymore and her peers that are still living are struggling in the same way.

What are the skills needed to volunteer with older folks?  

Kindness, empathy, interest.  

Is there special training required? 

No.  Life skills are sufficient.  Patience and the ability to laugh and smile are a plus.

What about time commitment?   

Now here is the thing.  You can never give enough.   They will always want more.  Give the time you want to and do it in a way that suits you.  You do not need to be tied down or imposed upon.  Just identify your limits and find your oldie.  Let them know what you are available for and be ready to reinforce that!

Where do I sign up?  Since it is not yet cool to volunteer to visit oldies I have only found a handful of formal organizations that organize these opportunities.  But you can check among your neighbors.  Parents of friends.  Family people.  Check in at a church office-they are likely to have a list of older folks who could use a friend!  Let's get this thing trending ya'll!  Say HELLO IN THERE!

Dance Your Body Happy!

“There are shortcuts to happiness and dancing is one of them.” – Vicki Baum

In the increasingly popular field of fitness through dance there is a sweet, body-friendly option that offers gradual, pain-free, gentle body improvement through a dance form known as NIA.

NIA is actually more than just dance. Named originally “Non-impact Aerobics”, NIA now stands for Neuromuscular Integrative Action and combines elements of Jazz, Modern dance, and Duncan styles with movements drawn from Tai Chi, TaeKwonDo and Aikido, as well as mindfulness, relaxation and healing arts drawn from yoga and other practices.  

The technique was developed by Debbie Rojas who still oversees certification and training of all NIA teachers. Danced to many different styles of music, NIA invites you to move in a way that feels good to your body in 52 basic movements that are choreographed into routines. Participants are guided to dance at levels one, two and three depending on  individual condition and progress.

Each session starts with a focus or intention for the class.  The music starts slow and dance movements are more tai chi, waking up the body and opening the energy flow from bare feet to fingertips.  Gradually, the music and routine gain momentum with moves from jazz and modern dance, as well as TaiKwonDo.  There is an emphasis on shifting direction from left to right side, back to front which supports neuroplasticity and balance.  Spaces in the choreography give dancers an opportunity to explore what their own body feels like doing with the music.  Laughter, clapping, and audible breathing are encouraged. Finally there is a cool down or relaxation period in which the class may do stretches, guided meditation or easy yoga movements.

NIA dance increases body confidence, ease of movement, balance, and rhythm.  It also supports stress reduction, and strengthens connections of the body, mind and spirit.  This is an ideal form for a body that has been years in a sedentary habit but wants to improve agility and function, even late in life.  The combination of music, movement and the mind/body/spirit elements of NIA dance leave participants full of whole body joy that all carries over into life beyond dance class.

Want to give this a try?  Find a class at NiaNow.com.

help

I have been dreading dealing with this topic for days but it is important.  I read an article recently while pursuing answers for myself.  The article was followed by dozens of posted comments that broke my heart. It was a call to action. So without further ado, a major effort not to sound whiny, and a heart full of love for my helpers AND the ones that do not help:

How do you ask for help when you are the primary caregiver for an elderly parent?

Most of the comments following the article I read were filled with despair, anger and resentment both from caregivers trying to keep an elderly family member safe and well, without support,  as well as from family members who chose not to be involved and from their perspective, had become the object of anger and resentment and were being shut out when they did try to visit or participate.

I have been incredibly lucky to have friends that pop in and give a hand or just visit, people that help with the house and Mom's care, and a most of all, a husband who has supported and tolerated  all this disruption and separation for years now.

I never expected this would be an issue with my family.  And I was surprised, then hurt, then angry when it was.   One family member actually told me that I took on my Mom's care against 'everyone's' better advice.  (REALLY?)  So if I was not happy with my lot that was too bad.  My "problem"?  No. Not my "problem".  My mother.

It turns out that that is a common 'defense' from the non-helpers.  Another 'defense' is that they just didn't know what to do or that help was wanted.   A caregiver reported that her sister started helping after she came to the house and found the caregiver crying.

So what do you do?

Well, I love the internet for just this sort of thing!  The number of articles, blogs, links is amazing.  I Googled "How to Ask for Help", then "How to Ask for Help When You are a Caregiver for a Parent". Both searches got me good answers.  Some points appeared in many of the sources that made good sense across the board:

1.  Ask - no one that I know can read minds.  Assuming that someone knows what you wish they would do and what you need is going to get nothing done fast  Be clear.  Be specific. Please don't bully, scream or apply guilt. Ask.

2.  Don't ask - be selective and infrequent when asking for help.  It is my policy not to ask if there is any way out of it.  I never ask twice.  I try not to ask unfairly:  you cannot expect your people to jeopardize their jobs or do things they just aren't equipped to do just because you have to.

3.  Do Unto Others - Be a helper. Demonstrate that you are willing to give support as well as receive it.  Offer up front to make a reciprocal effort on their behalf.

4.  Accept what they Do Unto You - receive gratefully whatever help is granted or offered. It may not be what you needed but sometimes allowing something different and appreciating that which is given opens the gates

Now.  Be prepared to be disappointed.  If they wanted to help you they would be asking you what you need, right?  There are reasons.  Obviously, they might really be selfish, lazy and heartless.  I am inclined to think that people generally want to be good to each other so it might be about fear, or upset, or inadequacy, or some other something...you can't know what drives some people toward you and some others away.

You have to teach your heart this thing:  The response not to help is not about you.  It is about them. As the consequences of their absence are going to be theirs to bear.  Let it Be.

The important thing is to give good quality care to the one who needs it.   If  you need help and are not getting it from your family there are other avenues.  Paid caregivers can be expensive but it may be necessary to hire someone to give you some kind of relief and take on some of your care load. There are volunteers out there who can give you a break.  Find them.

Also, allow those people who do offer help to give it.  One of my neighbors offered to be available on Monday afternoons to keep my Mom company.   My first inclination was to tell her no,  that was too much for her to do!   And although I do not need that much coverage right now I know that I can schedule appointments or meet ups on Mondays without leaving my mother alone.  So I can call my neighbor when I need her.  That is a huge gift and a treasure to me.

Finally, this comforting posted comment from a caregiver which I will keep in my own heart and mind on this journey:

"We caregivers don't volunteer or sign up for this role- which is what I've always thought- but rather we are "chosen" to take care of our loved ones and to make their last moments here on earth peaceful and memorable."  

Do this service with all the love you can muster and as you do, love yourself for having been chosen. Cast out resentment and blame and unlove when it arises whatever its source.  For you are not in service to your parent or family.  Your service is to your Creator and all Creation.  In doing this work now you are giving a specific gift to your specific person.  But in the way of these things, your gift is sending its ripples out into the greater Universe.

Be good. Do good. Share this if you know someone it might help.  Come back here where next time I promise to talk about something fun!

Love Big Ya'll,  Lisa

Voice Response Technology, Oh MY!

Here’s me, a late phase Baby Boomer navigating the turbulent seas of the Super Seniors (active, independent 80’s and above). Helping my elders stay connected is one of my most needed services. And I need help myself!

It is a for sure fact, that if I can think of a needed tool or toy or direction for improvement, somebody else has already come up with it. I just need to go looking. And sometimes I do not have to go very far! In just the past few days I have stumbled across a promising solution to something I have been talking up as a big social need for some time now, at least in our little corner of the Universe:

A way to make it easier for seniors to use technology when they reach the age when they forget how.

This is a real thing. The first time I witnessed this phenomenon a family member that had programmed early PC’s at home and had been a techie all his adult life could no longer remember how to use his laptop. He returned three printers he purchased because they were "defective" before he realized that he was unable to recall the keyboard commands to print. This fellow had spent most of his days before this decline “parked at his desk” reading newspapers online. He pursued his beloved photography hobby on his PC, editing and sharing photos. This inability was so frustrating to him that he stopped even going into his home office. Unfortunately, he had transferred all the household accounts to the computer.

Because so much of our life business is accomplished online now, not having access to this technology or having and losing access can be crippling.

The forgetting was not limited to the computer. He eventually could not remember how to use his e-reader or cell phone without assistance. Now I am noticing my Mom is having trouble remembering how to use her phone. Two other families in our circle of oldies have stopped using their home PC’s because they cannot remember how. Really, all these folks need help to get voicemail or text messages.

And so much of our social connections are dependent on access to technology. Email, text and social media are our gathering places. If we cannot go there we miss so much.

This has become an important concern for me. Not only do I need to help my folks with their technology issues but I can see myself needing such help in the future. I have already complained that advances in technology are whizzing by way faster than my ability to keep up with them.

Well…the other day I was reminding Mom that she could press the “mic” key on her cell phone and say “Call Lisa” to phone me without looking up my number… VOICE RESPONSE TECHNOLOGY

Then I noticed the “Ask Cortana “ sticker that I had never removed from the case of my inexpensive little laptop and started to wonder…just what can this do? I tried it out. Voice requests to “open Facebook”; “open email”; “open documents” in addition to an unsolicited weather report: this could work for my oldies!

Apple products have Siri. Amazon has Alexa. These are just the ones I have encountered that can assist with access to technology by voice command. None of these is a complete solution but it gives me hope that one is out there. All I need is somebody who understands the capabilities now available with current technology to point the way. To teach me so I can share with my folks.

What I need is a Millennial… :)

Final note: since I started writing these thoughts I have encountered more Voice Response technology. Google Home, Amazon's line of similar products and IHome on the horizon. OH BOY...And then I encountered companion robots...whoaaaaaaa!

We live in a wonderful time. We are blessed beyond measure with so much information, communication, entertainment, beauty, all at our fingertips and available to the least of us as well as the great. Be sure to share with those you can to the best of your ability so that they may partake of the bounty too.

Big Love, Lisa

PS Share any ideas or feedback with me here or on my Facebook page LivingLive@livingitupward I would love to hear from you! Please share this post with anyone you think may be interested or benefit from it. I really would like to grow this conversation!

Do You Hear What I Hear?

“Do You Hear What I Hear”?

First:  the answer is no.  I’ll come back to that shortly.

Second:  I read an article about the history of that sweet Christmas song, “Do You Hear What I Hear”, this morning and I am attaching a link to that at the end of this post.  Amazing!  Beautiful!  Sweet and EVER TIMELY!  Please read and share if you will!

So, no.  We do not hear identically.  The way we hear sound is as individual as the prints on our fingers and the memories we save in our brains. The ear itself is so beautifully designed.  All the tiny parts, like miniature musical instruments really, coordinating with the nerves, tissue, bone, brain to bring input from the outer environment into sensible information in the form of the sounds we hear. But each ear is uniquely ours.

I do not recognize my own recorded voice.  We all hear sound at different decibels.  Some ranges of sound are out of our hearing ability entirely but the waves are there for those whose hearing can catch them.   There is this odd little fact:  we filter what we hear, or our brains do.  We become accustomed to some constant sounds that would interfere with our daily functions if we couldn’t.  Guess what!  We all filter differently.  You and I can sit together in the same room and experience sound in completely different ways.

And then, our hearing can diminish over time.  The nerves age.  We begin to struggle with conversations in crowds or rooms that are acoustically poor.  Voices from the next room are less intelligible:  “Honey, will you bring me a coke?”  “When did you start smoking again?” (We have had MUCH WEIRDER exchanges than this in my house)

We resist the realization that it is happening to us as long as we can. We settle for incomplete sound for lots of reasons.  Denial that age is diminishing our abilities, costliness of the devices, vanity (we don’t want to look “old”)…but the price of settling is to have a lesser experience of life.

Not hearing =  social isolation.  I read recently that loss of sight does not limit your ability to engage with the people in your world but loss of hearing does.  I have watched Mom actually “shut down” when her hearing aid failed and could not be immediately got working again with a battery change.  She closed her eyes and went into a state of non-communication until the hearing aid could be fixed.

My 89 year-old mother has declined to purchase a second hearing device until now because in her opinion the one she has been using for all these many years is just fine and it is the rest of us that are deficient anyway.  I have a “speech impediment” and am prone to mutter, mumble and am mean-spirited enough to talk to her when I am facing away – like doing dishes and cooking and stuff.  (Yes.  I am that mean-spirited.)  A family fable has it that “Aunt Merle”, at 90 years of age, declined a new hearing aid because she felt sure she would not get her money’s worth.   

Another odd fact is that when one finally does accept a hearing aid the hearing is not immediately corrected.  The brain that has been deprived of sound for so long must relearn how to process the increased volume it is receiving and turn it into meaningful information like speech, music, and the clicks, whistles and whooshes of the world around us.

When Mom got a new hearing aid this past Saturday she expressed disappointment to the audiologist that the volume setting of the device was not much different than the level at which she thought she had been hearing.  As we wheeled through the store she complained that it was very noisy there.  Outside, she covered her ears at the cacophony of traffic sounds, birds, sirens.  Mom was quiet on the ride home, overwhelmed I think, by the noise of the engine and the wind created by the motion of the cars on the highway.  That night she was anxious to go to bed.  She had promised to remove the hearing aid only to sleep and she was ready to be relieved of it at a very early hour.  She said the ear was “heavy”. (That is aphasia-speak for “I have had enough of this today”.)

Over the next few weeks we are told it will get better.  I noticed some improvement today in a visit around the kitchen table that Mom would normally have disengaged from.  Mom was able to keep up with most of the conversation.  That is a nice change. 

She will have to resist the temptation to take the aid out of her ear when she is tired of it.  Removing the devise like that apparently causes the brain to fail to adapt. 

Hearing again after deafness opens up wider social possibilities.  Once the brain has gotten used to the new input and she is organizing the all the noise that she is hearing now into meaningful sounds, Mom will be able to enjoy company again.  A speech therapist told us that hearing better could also improve her memory and cognitive challenges. I am already able to speak to her at a more normal volume with less repetition and that is a blessed relief! 

The benefits of using the wonderful, God-Given technology available to us in this miraculous age we are fortunate enough to be living in, to recover our lost hearing ability far outweighs the cost to our pockets or egos.  From my perspective, a big loud YES!

I know I went long on this post and if you are still with me by now I hope you will stay a little longer and have a look at this article about the Christmas song “Do You Hear “What I Hear”. 

https://www.franciscanmedia.org/do-you-hear-what-i-hear-the-story-behind-the-song/

Pray for peace, people everywhere…

Love and Gratitude, Lisa

Speak To Me

...one of my goals with this blog was to get conversations going about problems of aging and solutions that are emerging in response to them. That is, in fact, my "purpose" at the moment.  I am hoping that it that will grow and change in response to what I learn and make the rest of my life really interesting and maybe make some difference in the larger world.

I woke up this morning thinking:  I don't want to tell people what I think.  I want people to tell me what they know and what they think! I want to get this information circulating, and percolating and ether-zapping among us.  Not just for me but for all  those of us engaged in caring for aging people. I really believe that getting old could be a lot better than what I have seen in the lives of my 'oldies'.

I surely want better for myself!

I want to grow old...

My circle, my tribe :), has been heavily engaged with this topic in recent years. Our parents are having these huge aging crises and we are having to try to help them through these crises without much more than our love and best intentions for guidance. (oh, and the occasional AARP article regarding estate planning and how to tell your elderly parent it is time to stop driving...in my experience it needs to be somebody else doing the telling but we will save that rant for another day.)

My parents and some of my dearest people's parents have experienced disastrous, painful, train-wreck, life issues that have thrown the lives of their whole family circle off track.  Most of which were entirely avoidable.  In almost every crisis the interested parties stood powerlessly watching the train speeding along the track to the inevitable encounter with the WALL.

We tried to tell them.

They didn't need three houses for two people and selling at a lower price would have been far better than carrying the weight of all that property which became a burden that spiraled them into ever-worsening stress, ill health and collapse of financial reserves.

They didn't need to live so far away from their future care-givers.  When they finally moved closer they refused to move to my town where there were plenty of move-in-ready options...Mom's exact words were:  "I do not want to live in your pocket".  (Holy cow)

They needed to hire helpers.  They needed to come up with safe, alternative transportation.  They needed to review their estate plans make sure their affairs were in order.  They needed to adapt and accommodate and listen to the advise of their juniors. Nope, no, uh-uh.

My people had been very successfully driving the trains of their lives for decades.  Why would they give over authority to me or anyone else?  It was killing them to drive their own lives but they would not let go of the wheel.

And I just could not let that be.  I left my job.  I left my husband and home to care for each other.  I took up half-residence with Mom and Gil and tried to help them evolve into a more manageable life.  They resisted every modification I tried to guide them to.  Especially anything that might cost money.  Or cause them to relinquish control. Or God forbid, force them to break routine.  (I have journaled true stories that make this point clearer but for the dignity of my folks I will not put them in here until I can do it without harm.  I still reread these entries and am flabbergasted at some of the stuff I have witnessed from the folks that raised me.)

Sometime in the future I hope to look back and see that I made the right choice.  I am pretty sure I could have done something better for all concerned.  In the year before I moved in with them I said repeatedly:  I have to allow them to live with the consequences of not taking my best advice.  In the end I could not let them do that.  Now four years later I am still supporting my Mom's choices.

Caregivers get a lot of pats on the back for the sacrifice we make in coming to this role but the physical and emotional toll on the caregiver can be significant.  "You will never regret this", people tell me all the time.  Of course, I am glad to be able to help my mother.  But soon we are going to make a few moves that support my life better.  Including moving back to my town.  I am hoping Mom can bear 'being in my pocket' awhile.

Meanwhile, if this is part of your journey too, or if  you know of new trends in aging care, or resources for elders you want to share information about please post them on the Living Live facebook page or in the comments here.  Send links to facebook.com/livingitupward.

SPEAK TO ME!  I am looking forward to hearing from you!  Tell me what you think and tell me what you have experienced and tell me your successes and failures and ideas to try in the future! Please be sure I will share what you share responsibly.   Until next time then!

Living Live with Love,
Lisa

Purpose

First an image:  Although seated near a window the elderly person is not really looking out.  They are not sleeping but are not seemingly engaged in any way.  The eyes stare into space without interest. Someone approaches, touches the arm, speaks, but receives no response.
















What is your PURPOSE?

It may not be at the top of your list of queries today but it could be.  And I hope that I can give you some help to put it there if it isn't yet.

My "word for the year" is  PURPOSE so is naturally at the top of my list every day- for reflection, study and sharing.  At 58 years old, it seemed a little late in life to grab hold of this topic.  What I have learned so far is that I am not alone in coming late to this table.  Some of the folks I speak with are saying that it is just now that they are on the verge of the late season of life---retiring from work, nest empty, facing senior challenges of many kinds---that they are realizing that PURPOSE is lacking.

And maybe, just maybe, this is the ideal time of life for this unfolding to occur in us.  Our duty-driven life is behind us.

So backing up a bit.  By purpose I do not mean just "what is my responsibility" or "how does society define me based on what I do".   This is not the kitchen table laundry list of functions I perform. This is not "who am I"?  This is something greater...higher...this is about the soul's purpose, here on Earth.  And yes, every life has meaning, every path is the "right" path, and when the student is ready the teacher will appear...

I subscribe to a conviction that our highest purpose in living life is ascension.  As we grow up our self-definition grows.  And so we may have a lifetime of PURPOSES, each leading us to a higher version of self and each contributing to a better "here on Earth" and beyond.  Even if you do not know what your higher purpose is right this minute it knows you and is working in your life at some level right now.

Think about your current life circumstances.  What do you do well.  What do you speak about most fluently?  What is your passion?  If you could share something of yourself to the benefit of others what would it be? In there somewhere is your life purpose!  The reason you were sent to Earth and the reason you are where you are NOW.

You are never too old to act on this my senior friends! You have your lifetime of experiences to call on to support your expert voice! You have knowledge, connections, resources, information, ideas, gifts waiting to be put into service!  What are you waiting to share this thing for?  Don't worry that the audience isn't sitting at your feet waiting with held breath for your teaching.  There is someone you can reach if you just stretch yourself a little.  Write a letter.  Write a book.  Support a cause.   Create a service group.  Take any little action that inspires you.  Take some big action that you never dreamed you would dare to.

And then do you know what's going to happen?  You are going to feel alive!  On fire!  Excited by the moments you can spend pursuing and sharing what is special about you and your experience!  Lit up by the new experiences that come your way and unfold in you as further life purposes emerge!

That is how we live it upward.  That is Living Live.

Before we no longer can.

Going back to that image at the top of this page.  There is nothing wrong with going inward at the final phase of life.  It looks sad to us sometimes but what would really be sad is to reach that place without opening our arms and leaping in to life every chance we get.

Bend Me, Shape Me Anyway You Want Me...

Good Morning!  Join me in Gladness!

I am happy today to be starting a new Blog that supports my current passion: exploring successful aging (aka growing upward!) and caring for others in this big transition.  This has been my life's journey for the last several years.  Who knew it would emerge as a Life Purpose?  Sure Enough!  So, here goes...please bear with me as I navigate Blog World.  I am inexpert as I can be.  But I am filled with enthusiasm.  Hopefully, we will find it is working okay for all of us!

This morning I want to open a conversation about one of the most helpful tools in the senior citizen's life kit: ADAPTABILITY!

Life Transitions, (i.e. parenting, illness and aging) do not come with instruction manuals.

You can prepare and prepare but I PROMISE growing older will throw you some curve balls and unless you meet them with a flexible attitude you will very likely "hit the wall" at some point in your aging process.

"Hitting the Wall" is the point where the obstacles you face are greater than your ability to surmount them on your own.  You slam into them and it hurts!

If you are very lucky there will be people around to help you when you arrive at this moment.

If you are smart you will embrace them lovingly! Appreciate their help in whatever form it is offered!

Lots of people arrive at the wall and find that they are less lucky or smart than they had previously believed.  Blam!

Without mentioning names I will share some examples of this from my real life adventures among the aging ones in my circle.  I call them "the oldies" without being at all disparaging!  It is short for "oldies but goodies".  This generation, currently in their 80's, 90's and even 100's, is generally smart, strong, healthy and fun.  But that wall really is hard on them when they hit it.  These folks have always been able to solve their own problems and ride the waves of adversity.  Now they just fail.  It is awful-for them and for the ones that love them.

A couple I know have been fortunate enough to live a very full life with abundant resources, health, travel and friends.  In their late 80's and early 90's now, they lived independently with pretty minimal difficulty.  Then she had a botched cataract surgery.  Then he had a small stroke.  Then her knees began to cause her trouble. Then he fell and was left with severe, intractable back pain and worsening balance issues.  His hearing failed.  His driving became more and more erratic until he finally had to give it up (but not without a fight).  Then they had a natural disaster:  a flood which caused lots of property damage and required that they deal with lots of complex insurance, contractor, bank, housing.... myriad issues.  In the space of two years their combined ability to do life on their own terms had really begun to falter.  The stress of these horrible events bore down on both of them and their overall health declined faster and farther.  She was hospitalized with digestive ulcers, weight loss and anemia.  He has also lost a lot of body mass.  They have periods of confusion.

It has become painful to watch their ongoing struggle to just barely function.  Yet, despite the urging of well-meaning family and friends, they resist adaptation.  They promised each other long ago that they would never live in a "nursing home" so they will not consider any senior living options.  The house could be rearranged so that moving from area to area is safer and easier but she will not allow any of her treasures to be moved out or stored and she likes having things the way they are.  They have stopped listening because their hearing is bad.  They are mad at their situation.  They are mad at each other and mad at the rest of us for being unable to work around their self-imposed limitations.  People that love them both are frustrated, even mad at them sometimes because they just won't bend.

Now, another lady I knew did things differently.  When she found in her late 80's that she wasn't able to continue living on both stories of her lovely house she converted her den into a living room/bedroom and closed the upstairs to reduce costs and maintenance.  When she found she couldn't trust her own driving she sold her car and celebrated her freedom from the cost of  insurance, gas and maintenance by employing taxis and taking rides from friends for her transportation.  Eventually, she moved to an assisted-living apartment near her daughter and family where a few years later she passed away happily surrounded by the ones she loved.  Her later years were lived gently.  Sweetly.  Because she bent in the wind.  She let changing circumstances shape her life.  She adapted.

So.  There is a lot more to say on this topic and there are a bunch of other topics in the arena of advancing years that I want to talk about here.  But for now I will close on this one little thought:  to do anything well we need to practice.  At whatever stage you are right now on your life's journey you can begin to practice adaptability.  The better you get at bending, the better shape you will be in as you go on!

Make it a good day, count your blessings and give thanks to the One who sent you here.  Til next time,

Lisa, Living Live