Do You Hear What I Hear?

“Do You Hear What I Hear”?

First:  the answer is no.  I’ll come back to that shortly.

Second:  I read an article about the history of that sweet Christmas song, “Do You Hear What I Hear”, this morning and I am attaching a link to that at the end of this post.  Amazing!  Beautiful!  Sweet and EVER TIMELY!  Please read and share if you will!

So, no.  We do not hear identically.  The way we hear sound is as individual as the prints on our fingers and the memories we save in our brains. The ear itself is so beautifully designed.  All the tiny parts, like miniature musical instruments really, coordinating with the nerves, tissue, bone, brain to bring input from the outer environment into sensible information in the form of the sounds we hear. But each ear is uniquely ours.

I do not recognize my own recorded voice.  We all hear sound at different decibels.  Some ranges of sound are out of our hearing ability entirely but the waves are there for those whose hearing can catch them.   There is this odd little fact:  we filter what we hear, or our brains do.  We become accustomed to some constant sounds that would interfere with our daily functions if we couldn’t.  Guess what!  We all filter differently.  You and I can sit together in the same room and experience sound in completely different ways.

And then, our hearing can diminish over time.  The nerves age.  We begin to struggle with conversations in crowds or rooms that are acoustically poor.  Voices from the next room are less intelligible:  “Honey, will you bring me a coke?”  “When did you start smoking again?” (We have had MUCH WEIRDER exchanges than this in my house)

We resist the realization that it is happening to us as long as we can. We settle for incomplete sound for lots of reasons.  Denial that age is diminishing our abilities, costliness of the devices, vanity (we don’t want to look “old”)…but the price of settling is to have a lesser experience of life.

Not hearing =  social isolation.  I read recently that loss of sight does not limit your ability to engage with the people in your world but loss of hearing does.  I have watched Mom actually “shut down” when her hearing aid failed and could not be immediately got working again with a battery change.  She closed her eyes and went into a state of non-communication until the hearing aid could be fixed.

My 89 year-old mother has declined to purchase a second hearing device until now because in her opinion the one she has been using for all these many years is just fine and it is the rest of us that are deficient anyway.  I have a “speech impediment” and am prone to mutter, mumble and am mean-spirited enough to talk to her when I am facing away – like doing dishes and cooking and stuff.  (Yes.  I am that mean-spirited.)  A family fable has it that “Aunt Merle”, at 90 years of age, declined a new hearing aid because she felt sure she would not get her money’s worth.   

Another odd fact is that when one finally does accept a hearing aid the hearing is not immediately corrected.  The brain that has been deprived of sound for so long must relearn how to process the increased volume it is receiving and turn it into meaningful information like speech, music, and the clicks, whistles and whooshes of the world around us.

When Mom got a new hearing aid this past Saturday she expressed disappointment to the audiologist that the volume setting of the device was not much different than the level at which she thought she had been hearing.  As we wheeled through the store she complained that it was very noisy there.  Outside, she covered her ears at the cacophony of traffic sounds, birds, sirens.  Mom was quiet on the ride home, overwhelmed I think, by the noise of the engine and the wind created by the motion of the cars on the highway.  That night she was anxious to go to bed.  She had promised to remove the hearing aid only to sleep and she was ready to be relieved of it at a very early hour.  She said the ear was “heavy”. (That is aphasia-speak for “I have had enough of this today”.)

Over the next few weeks we are told it will get better.  I noticed some improvement today in a visit around the kitchen table that Mom would normally have disengaged from.  Mom was able to keep up with most of the conversation.  That is a nice change. 

She will have to resist the temptation to take the aid out of her ear when she is tired of it.  Removing the devise like that apparently causes the brain to fail to adapt. 

Hearing again after deafness opens up wider social possibilities.  Once the brain has gotten used to the new input and she is organizing the all the noise that she is hearing now into meaningful sounds, Mom will be able to enjoy company again.  A speech therapist told us that hearing better could also improve her memory and cognitive challenges. I am already able to speak to her at a more normal volume with less repetition and that is a blessed relief! 

The benefits of using the wonderful, God-Given technology available to us in this miraculous age we are fortunate enough to be living in, to recover our lost hearing ability far outweighs the cost to our pockets or egos.  From my perspective, a big loud YES!

I know I went long on this post and if you are still with me by now I hope you will stay a little longer and have a look at this article about the Christmas song “Do You Hear “What I Hear”. 

https://www.franciscanmedia.org/do-you-hear-what-i-hear-the-story-behind-the-song/

Pray for peace, people everywhere…

Love and Gratitude, Lisa

Speak To Me

...one of my goals with this blog was to get conversations going about problems of aging and solutions that are emerging in response to them. That is, in fact, my "purpose" at the moment.  I am hoping that it that will grow and change in response to what I learn and make the rest of my life really interesting and maybe make some difference in the larger world.

I woke up this morning thinking:  I don't want to tell people what I think.  I want people to tell me what they know and what they think! I want to get this information circulating, and percolating and ether-zapping among us.  Not just for me but for all  those of us engaged in caring for aging people. I really believe that getting old could be a lot better than what I have seen in the lives of my 'oldies'.

I surely want better for myself!

I want to grow old...

My circle, my tribe :), has been heavily engaged with this topic in recent years. Our parents are having these huge aging crises and we are having to try to help them through these crises without much more than our love and best intentions for guidance. (oh, and the occasional AARP article regarding estate planning and how to tell your elderly parent it is time to stop driving...in my experience it needs to be somebody else doing the telling but we will save that rant for another day.)

My parents and some of my dearest people's parents have experienced disastrous, painful, train-wreck, life issues that have thrown the lives of their whole family circle off track.  Most of which were entirely avoidable.  In almost every crisis the interested parties stood powerlessly watching the train speeding along the track to the inevitable encounter with the WALL.

We tried to tell them.

They didn't need three houses for two people and selling at a lower price would have been far better than carrying the weight of all that property which became a burden that spiraled them into ever-worsening stress, ill health and collapse of financial reserves.

They didn't need to live so far away from their future care-givers.  When they finally moved closer they refused to move to my town where there were plenty of move-in-ready options...Mom's exact words were:  "I do not want to live in your pocket".  (Holy cow)

They needed to hire helpers.  They needed to come up with safe, alternative transportation.  They needed to review their estate plans make sure their affairs were in order.  They needed to adapt and accommodate and listen to the advise of their juniors. Nope, no, uh-uh.

My people had been very successfully driving the trains of their lives for decades.  Why would they give over authority to me or anyone else?  It was killing them to drive their own lives but they would not let go of the wheel.

And I just could not let that be.  I left my job.  I left my husband and home to care for each other.  I took up half-residence with Mom and Gil and tried to help them evolve into a more manageable life.  They resisted every modification I tried to guide them to.  Especially anything that might cost money.  Or cause them to relinquish control. Or God forbid, force them to break routine.  (I have journaled true stories that make this point clearer but for the dignity of my folks I will not put them in here until I can do it without harm.  I still reread these entries and am flabbergasted at some of the stuff I have witnessed from the folks that raised me.)

Sometime in the future I hope to look back and see that I made the right choice.  I am pretty sure I could have done something better for all concerned.  In the year before I moved in with them I said repeatedly:  I have to allow them to live with the consequences of not taking my best advice.  In the end I could not let them do that.  Now four years later I am still supporting my Mom's choices.

Caregivers get a lot of pats on the back for the sacrifice we make in coming to this role but the physical and emotional toll on the caregiver can be significant.  "You will never regret this", people tell me all the time.  Of course, I am glad to be able to help my mother.  But soon we are going to make a few moves that support my life better.  Including moving back to my town.  I am hoping Mom can bear 'being in my pocket' awhile.

Meanwhile, if this is part of your journey too, or if  you know of new trends in aging care, or resources for elders you want to share information about please post them on the Living Live facebook page or in the comments here.  Send links to facebook.com/livingitupward.

SPEAK TO ME!  I am looking forward to hearing from you!  Tell me what you think and tell me what you have experienced and tell me your successes and failures and ideas to try in the future! Please be sure I will share what you share responsibly.   Until next time then!

Living Live with Love,
Lisa

Purpose

First an image:  Although seated near a window the elderly person is not really looking out.  They are not sleeping but are not seemingly engaged in any way.  The eyes stare into space without interest. Someone approaches, touches the arm, speaks, but receives no response.
















What is your PURPOSE?

It may not be at the top of your list of queries today but it could be.  And I hope that I can give you some help to put it there if it isn't yet.

My "word for the year" is  PURPOSE so is naturally at the top of my list every day- for reflection, study and sharing.  At 58 years old, it seemed a little late in life to grab hold of this topic.  What I have learned so far is that I am not alone in coming late to this table.  Some of the folks I speak with are saying that it is just now that they are on the verge of the late season of life---retiring from work, nest empty, facing senior challenges of many kinds---that they are realizing that PURPOSE is lacking.

And maybe, just maybe, this is the ideal time of life for this unfolding to occur in us.  Our duty-driven life is behind us.

So backing up a bit.  By purpose I do not mean just "what is my responsibility" or "how does society define me based on what I do".   This is not the kitchen table laundry list of functions I perform. This is not "who am I"?  This is something greater...higher...this is about the soul's purpose, here on Earth.  And yes, every life has meaning, every path is the "right" path, and when the student is ready the teacher will appear...

I subscribe to a conviction that our highest purpose in living life is ascension.  As we grow up our self-definition grows.  And so we may have a lifetime of PURPOSES, each leading us to a higher version of self and each contributing to a better "here on Earth" and beyond.  Even if you do not know what your higher purpose is right this minute it knows you and is working in your life at some level right now.

Think about your current life circumstances.  What do you do well.  What do you speak about most fluently?  What is your passion?  If you could share something of yourself to the benefit of others what would it be? In there somewhere is your life purpose!  The reason you were sent to Earth and the reason you are where you are NOW.

You are never too old to act on this my senior friends! You have your lifetime of experiences to call on to support your expert voice! You have knowledge, connections, resources, information, ideas, gifts waiting to be put into service!  What are you waiting to share this thing for?  Don't worry that the audience isn't sitting at your feet waiting with held breath for your teaching.  There is someone you can reach if you just stretch yourself a little.  Write a letter.  Write a book.  Support a cause.   Create a service group.  Take any little action that inspires you.  Take some big action that you never dreamed you would dare to.

And then do you know what's going to happen?  You are going to feel alive!  On fire!  Excited by the moments you can spend pursuing and sharing what is special about you and your experience!  Lit up by the new experiences that come your way and unfold in you as further life purposes emerge!

That is how we live it upward.  That is Living Live.

Before we no longer can.

Going back to that image at the top of this page.  There is nothing wrong with going inward at the final phase of life.  It looks sad to us sometimes but what would really be sad is to reach that place without opening our arms and leaping in to life every chance we get.

Bend Me, Shape Me Anyway You Want Me...

Good Morning!  Join me in Gladness!

I am happy today to be starting a new Blog that supports my current passion: exploring successful aging (aka growing upward!) and caring for others in this big transition.  This has been my life's journey for the last several years.  Who knew it would emerge as a Life Purpose?  Sure Enough!  So, here goes...please bear with me as I navigate Blog World.  I am inexpert as I can be.  But I am filled with enthusiasm.  Hopefully, we will find it is working okay for all of us!

This morning I want to open a conversation about one of the most helpful tools in the senior citizen's life kit: ADAPTABILITY!

Life Transitions, (i.e. parenting, illness and aging) do not come with instruction manuals.

You can prepare and prepare but I PROMISE growing older will throw you some curve balls and unless you meet them with a flexible attitude you will very likely "hit the wall" at some point in your aging process.

"Hitting the Wall" is the point where the obstacles you face are greater than your ability to surmount them on your own.  You slam into them and it hurts!

If you are very lucky there will be people around to help you when you arrive at this moment.

If you are smart you will embrace them lovingly! Appreciate their help in whatever form it is offered!

Lots of people arrive at the wall and find that they are less lucky or smart than they had previously believed.  Blam!

Without mentioning names I will share some examples of this from my real life adventures among the aging ones in my circle.  I call them "the oldies" without being at all disparaging!  It is short for "oldies but goodies".  This generation, currently in their 80's, 90's and even 100's, is generally smart, strong, healthy and fun.  But that wall really is hard on them when they hit it.  These folks have always been able to solve their own problems and ride the waves of adversity.  Now they just fail.  It is awful-for them and for the ones that love them.

A couple I know have been fortunate enough to live a very full life with abundant resources, health, travel and friends.  In their late 80's and early 90's now, they lived independently with pretty minimal difficulty.  Then she had a botched cataract surgery.  Then he had a small stroke.  Then her knees began to cause her trouble. Then he fell and was left with severe, intractable back pain and worsening balance issues.  His hearing failed.  His driving became more and more erratic until he finally had to give it up (but not without a fight).  Then they had a natural disaster:  a flood which caused lots of property damage and required that they deal with lots of complex insurance, contractor, bank, housing.... myriad issues.  In the space of two years their combined ability to do life on their own terms had really begun to falter.  The stress of these horrible events bore down on both of them and their overall health declined faster and farther.  She was hospitalized with digestive ulcers, weight loss and anemia.  He has also lost a lot of body mass.  They have periods of confusion.

It has become painful to watch their ongoing struggle to just barely function.  Yet, despite the urging of well-meaning family and friends, they resist adaptation.  They promised each other long ago that they would never live in a "nursing home" so they will not consider any senior living options.  The house could be rearranged so that moving from area to area is safer and easier but she will not allow any of her treasures to be moved out or stored and she likes having things the way they are.  They have stopped listening because their hearing is bad.  They are mad at their situation.  They are mad at each other and mad at the rest of us for being unable to work around their self-imposed limitations.  People that love them both are frustrated, even mad at them sometimes because they just won't bend.

Now, another lady I knew did things differently.  When she found in her late 80's that she wasn't able to continue living on both stories of her lovely house she converted her den into a living room/bedroom and closed the upstairs to reduce costs and maintenance.  When she found she couldn't trust her own driving she sold her car and celebrated her freedom from the cost of  insurance, gas and maintenance by employing taxis and taking rides from friends for her transportation.  Eventually, she moved to an assisted-living apartment near her daughter and family where a few years later she passed away happily surrounded by the ones she loved.  Her later years were lived gently.  Sweetly.  Because she bent in the wind.  She let changing circumstances shape her life.  She adapted.

So.  There is a lot more to say on this topic and there are a bunch of other topics in the arena of advancing years that I want to talk about here.  But for now I will close on this one little thought:  to do anything well we need to practice.  At whatever stage you are right now on your life's journey you can begin to practice adaptability.  The better you get at bending, the better shape you will be in as you go on!

Make it a good day, count your blessings and give thanks to the One who sent you here.  Til next time,

Lisa, Living Live