Speak To Me

...one of my goals with this blog was to get conversations going about problems of aging and solutions that are emerging in response to them. That is, in fact, my "purpose" at the moment.  I am hoping that it that will grow and change in response to what I learn and make the rest of my life really interesting and maybe make some difference in the larger world.

I woke up this morning thinking:  I don't want to tell people what I think.  I want people to tell me what they know and what they think! I want to get this information circulating, and percolating and ether-zapping among us.  Not just for me but for all  those of us engaged in caring for aging people. I really believe that getting old could be a lot better than what I have seen in the lives of my 'oldies'.

I surely want better for myself!

I want to grow old...

My circle, my tribe :), has been heavily engaged with this topic in recent years. Our parents are having these huge aging crises and we are having to try to help them through these crises without much more than our love and best intentions for guidance. (oh, and the occasional AARP article regarding estate planning and how to tell your elderly parent it is time to stop driving...in my experience it needs to be somebody else doing the telling but we will save that rant for another day.)

My parents and some of my dearest people's parents have experienced disastrous, painful, train-wreck, life issues that have thrown the lives of their whole family circle off track.  Most of which were entirely avoidable.  In almost every crisis the interested parties stood powerlessly watching the train speeding along the track to the inevitable encounter with the WALL.

We tried to tell them.

They didn't need three houses for two people and selling at a lower price would have been far better than carrying the weight of all that property which became a burden that spiraled them into ever-worsening stress, ill health and collapse of financial reserves.

They didn't need to live so far away from their future care-givers.  When they finally moved closer they refused to move to my town where there were plenty of move-in-ready options...Mom's exact words were:  "I do not want to live in your pocket".  (Holy cow)

They needed to hire helpers.  They needed to come up with safe, alternative transportation.  They needed to review their estate plans make sure their affairs were in order.  They needed to adapt and accommodate and listen to the advise of their juniors. Nope, no, uh-uh.

My people had been very successfully driving the trains of their lives for decades.  Why would they give over authority to me or anyone else?  It was killing them to drive their own lives but they would not let go of the wheel.

And I just could not let that be.  I left my job.  I left my husband and home to care for each other.  I took up half-residence with Mom and Gil and tried to help them evolve into a more manageable life.  They resisted every modification I tried to guide them to.  Especially anything that might cost money.  Or cause them to relinquish control. Or God forbid, force them to break routine.  (I have journaled true stories that make this point clearer but for the dignity of my folks I will not put them in here until I can do it without harm.  I still reread these entries and am flabbergasted at some of the stuff I have witnessed from the folks that raised me.)

Sometime in the future I hope to look back and see that I made the right choice.  I am pretty sure I could have done something better for all concerned.  In the year before I moved in with them I said repeatedly:  I have to allow them to live with the consequences of not taking my best advice.  In the end I could not let them do that.  Now four years later I am still supporting my Mom's choices.

Caregivers get a lot of pats on the back for the sacrifice we make in coming to this role but the physical and emotional toll on the caregiver can be significant.  "You will never regret this", people tell me all the time.  Of course, I am glad to be able to help my mother.  But soon we are going to make a few moves that support my life better.  Including moving back to my town.  I am hoping Mom can bear 'being in my pocket' awhile.

Meanwhile, if this is part of your journey too, or if  you know of new trends in aging care, or resources for elders you want to share information about please post them on the Living Live facebook page or in the comments here.  Send links to facebook.com/livingitupward.

SPEAK TO ME!  I am looking forward to hearing from you!  Tell me what you think and tell me what you have experienced and tell me your successes and failures and ideas to try in the future! Please be sure I will share what you share responsibly.   Until next time then!

Living Live with Love,
Lisa

Purpose

First an image:  Although seated near a window the elderly person is not really looking out.  They are not sleeping but are not seemingly engaged in any way.  The eyes stare into space without interest. Someone approaches, touches the arm, speaks, but receives no response.
















What is your PURPOSE?

It may not be at the top of your list of queries today but it could be.  And I hope that I can give you some help to put it there if it isn't yet.

My "word for the year" is  PURPOSE so is naturally at the top of my list every day- for reflection, study and sharing.  At 58 years old, it seemed a little late in life to grab hold of this topic.  What I have learned so far is that I am not alone in coming late to this table.  Some of the folks I speak with are saying that it is just now that they are on the verge of the late season of life---retiring from work, nest empty, facing senior challenges of many kinds---that they are realizing that PURPOSE is lacking.

And maybe, just maybe, this is the ideal time of life for this unfolding to occur in us.  Our duty-driven life is behind us.

So backing up a bit.  By purpose I do not mean just "what is my responsibility" or "how does society define me based on what I do".   This is not the kitchen table laundry list of functions I perform. This is not "who am I"?  This is something greater...higher...this is about the soul's purpose, here on Earth.  And yes, every life has meaning, every path is the "right" path, and when the student is ready the teacher will appear...

I subscribe to a conviction that our highest purpose in living life is ascension.  As we grow up our self-definition grows.  And so we may have a lifetime of PURPOSES, each leading us to a higher version of self and each contributing to a better "here on Earth" and beyond.  Even if you do not know what your higher purpose is right this minute it knows you and is working in your life at some level right now.

Think about your current life circumstances.  What do you do well.  What do you speak about most fluently?  What is your passion?  If you could share something of yourself to the benefit of others what would it be? In there somewhere is your life purpose!  The reason you were sent to Earth and the reason you are where you are NOW.

You are never too old to act on this my senior friends! You have your lifetime of experiences to call on to support your expert voice! You have knowledge, connections, resources, information, ideas, gifts waiting to be put into service!  What are you waiting to share this thing for?  Don't worry that the audience isn't sitting at your feet waiting with held breath for your teaching.  There is someone you can reach if you just stretch yourself a little.  Write a letter.  Write a book.  Support a cause.   Create a service group.  Take any little action that inspires you.  Take some big action that you never dreamed you would dare to.

And then do you know what's going to happen?  You are going to feel alive!  On fire!  Excited by the moments you can spend pursuing and sharing what is special about you and your experience!  Lit up by the new experiences that come your way and unfold in you as further life purposes emerge!

That is how we live it upward.  That is Living Live.

Before we no longer can.

Going back to that image at the top of this page.  There is nothing wrong with going inward at the final phase of life.  It looks sad to us sometimes but what would really be sad is to reach that place without opening our arms and leaping in to life every chance we get.