I woke up this morning thinking: I don't want to tell people what I think. I want people to tell me what they know and what they think! I want to get this information circulating, and percolating and ether-zapping among us. Not just for me but for all those of us engaged in caring for aging people. I really believe that getting old could be a lot better than what I have seen in the lives of my 'oldies'.
I surely want better for myself!
I want to grow old...
My circle, my tribe :), has been heavily engaged with this topic in recent years. Our parents are having these huge aging crises and we are having to try to help them through these crises without much more than our love and best intentions for guidance. (oh, and the occasional AARP article regarding estate planning and how to tell your elderly parent it is time to stop driving...in my experience it needs to be somebody else doing the telling but we will save that rant for another day.)
My parents and some of my dearest people's parents have experienced disastrous, painful, train-wreck, life issues that have thrown the lives of their whole family circle off track. Most of which were entirely avoidable. In almost every crisis the interested parties stood powerlessly watching the train speeding along the track to the inevitable encounter with the WALL.
We tried to tell them.
They didn't need three houses for two people and selling at a lower price would have been far better than carrying the weight of all that property which became a burden that spiraled them into ever-worsening stress, ill health and collapse of financial reserves.
They didn't need to live so far away from their future care-givers. When they finally moved closer they refused to move to my town where there were plenty of move-in-ready options...Mom's exact words were: "I do not want to live in your pocket". (Holy cow)
They needed to hire helpers. They needed to come up with safe, alternative transportation. They needed to review their estate plans make sure their affairs were in order. They needed to adapt and accommodate and listen to the advise of their juniors. Nope, no, uh-uh.
My people had been very successfully driving the trains of their lives for decades. Why would they give over authority to me or anyone else? It was killing them to drive their own lives but they would not let go of the wheel.
And I just could not let that be. I left my job. I left my husband and home to care for each other. I took up half-residence with Mom and Gil and tried to help them evolve into a more manageable life. They resisted every modification I tried to guide them to. Especially anything that might cost money. Or cause them to relinquish control. Or God forbid, force them to break routine. (I have journaled true stories that make this point clearer but for the dignity of my folks I will not put them in here until I can do it without harm. I still reread these entries and am flabbergasted at some of the stuff I have witnessed from the folks that raised me.)
Sometime in the future I hope to look back and see that I made the right choice. I am pretty sure I could have done something better for all concerned. In the year before I moved in with them I said repeatedly: I have to allow them to live with the consequences of not taking my best advice. In the end I could not let them do that. Now four years later I am still supporting my Mom's choices.
Caregivers get a lot of pats on the back for the sacrifice we make in coming to this role but the physical and emotional toll on the caregiver can be significant. "You will never regret this", people tell me all the time. Of course, I am glad to be able to help my mother. But soon we are going to make a few moves that support my life better. Including moving back to my town. I am hoping Mom can bear 'being in my pocket' awhile.
Meanwhile, if this is part of your journey too, or if you know of new trends in aging care, or resources for elders you want to share information about please post them on the Living Live facebook page or in the comments here. Send links to facebook.com/livingitupward.
SPEAK TO ME! I am looking forward to hearing from you! Tell me what you think and tell me what you have experienced and tell me your successes and failures and ideas to try in the future! Please be sure I will share what you share responsibly. Until next time then!
Living Live with Love,
Lisa
No comments:
Post a Comment